(A themed Improv Story)
Inside Pandora’s Box
How’s it hangin’?
You’re probably wondering what you’re doing in here, huh. Well… I have no clue either, and even if I did, you shouldn’t ask me.
Why? Because I couldn’t be bothered telling you.
Not. One. Bit.
The name’s Acedia, but the others can’t bother pronouncing it properly so they call me Sloth. Bloody hell, they’re lazier than me.
I’d offer you some food, but as you can see, it’s allllll the way over on that table behind you…. which is kinda outta my reach. Help yourself.
What? You look a little perplexed.
Yes, I know, you thought this place would look like some genie’s lamp and that the seven of us would be floating around in wafts of smoke. That’s old school, kiddo. Who has the energy and time to waste doing that nowadays?
Firstly, you’re in a jar, not a box. Jeez… can’t those historians bother getting anything right?
Second, pass me that banana, will ya? Thanks a bunch.
Third, I’d probably suggest you steer clear of the others. You see, I’m probably the only one in here that can’t bother ripping you to bits, destroying your soul, taking everything you own, yadda yadda yadda…
Mate, you’re looking a little pale. If you’re going to faint, please do so elsewhere, I really don’t have the energy to clean up any mess you make.
You think you’re havin’ a bad day!? Well! Just listen to this then.
Superbia, who calls himself ‘Pride’, was actually trying to FORCE me to read a book today. Pfftttt… like that’ll ever work. He thinks I’m the only one that won’t be able to play a part once we get outta here, “learn something” he says.
HA! Little does he know. Yet he thinks he knows everything, that bum.
You don’t want to bump into him, he’ll probably drive you insane before using your head as a trophy to show off.
Trying to make me waste my time reading… you wanna know how the story should go?
“Once upon a time, the princess was locked in a tower and awaited the arrival of her prince. However, since the nitwit took too bloody long, she got up, opened the door, and walked out. THE END”
Seriously, what is the point of reading the middle when it’s always the same ol’ story over and over and over!?
It only gets worse from there.
Avaritia (who you may know as Greed) thinks she can get under my skin. She slithered over here earlier, demanding that I give her my pendant.
Oh, you noticed it huh. See how it sparkles when I move?… Well, I guess you will once I actually do move.
I’ll let you know when I do. Maybe.
She already took my only extra pair of shoes, what does she think I am, a black market? That overdramatic knick knack.
If you wanna walk outta here with your shoes, then I’d suggest not visiting her.
Speaking of shoes (or lack of shoes… and any other half decent attire) that reminds me.
Later, my day decided to take another nose dive off the cliff of abandoned existence when Luxuria decided to cat-foot her way into my domain. Oh, you humans know her as Lust, in case you’re wondering.
I know that I’m one handsome excuse for a couch potato, but she insisted that I actually get off my backside and ‘entertain’ her.
Listen here, I am no circus monkey. If someone’s gonna be entertaining anyone, then they better be feeding me grapes as they do it.
You might like her, though she’ll probably leave you out to dry once she’s done with you.
Oh, ho ho, that’s nothing though!
Those grapes that I spoke of – maybe Lust could feed them to me if Gula hadn’t eaten them all! Yes, you’ve guessed it, Gluttony.
I’m serious, that bottomless pit is eating us out of house and home. Soon enough, we’ll be eating each other for survival… If Gula hasn’t already eaten us first that is.
Yeh, you got the gist, “stay away and live another day”.
Then, to my superb luck – Lady Fortune definitely doesn’t like me today – who comes yapping at my door? None other than that green eyed freak, Invidia.
As if it wasn’t enough that everyone else has a problem with me NOT getting in their way, she decides that it’s unfair that I do nothing all day while she, and I quote, “works her derriere off”.
The only work any part of her body has ever seen is her nose when she shoves it in other people’s business.
I’ll never understand why she won’t stop complaining about everyone, but then again, it’s too many gears for my head to be turning for someone like her.
She’ll probably just talk you to death, may as well just keel over yourself.
The beautiful finale of the day, well just before you showed up anyway, was one to be written in the books.
Good ol’ Ira, our Wrath unchained, walks through my gates with his usual flamboyant display of flames and fury, and decides to throw my things around and take his failures out on my new minion – All because PRIDE bet him in a game of stones and won another future piece of your world to infect.
The brute thought he could get a reaction out of me if my minion screamed loud enough… but it was nap time, I couldn’t sacrifice that!
He was a good minion though… whatever his name was.
Yeh, he’s probably one of the worst that your fleshy-self should avoid if you wish to live.
You’re looking a little tired, that’s what happens when you stay around me long enough kid!
Knock yourself out, take a seat. You’ll probably be here a while.
You any good at being a minion? It seems I’m hiring.
You want to know the way out of here?
Well… since you’ve listened, I’ll tell you, but don’t expect me to get up and help you. Pass me another banana first.
Many of your historians got our story right, but many missed a smalllll detail!
There’s actually eight of us in here.
Wow, calm down! This one won’t kill you.
If anything, it’s your way home.
When we were locked up in here, and since I decided I’d just stay in the domain I landed in – unlike the others who fought for the bigger portion of the cake – I had a little more time to settle in.
Remember this pendant? Shiny, isn’t it?
That’s because it stays in here – Number Eight.
What you humans call “Hope”.
It wasn’t always in this pendant. The little thing was so small and weak, thanks to the doubtful nature of your species, and I knew the others would probably eat it/kill it/break it (take your pick) as soon as they saw it.
Unsurprisingly, it started feeling somewhat… sleepy… around me, and so I put it in this pendant and kept it there.
I’ve always said I’d do something with it, but whatever. I will once I feel like it.
Tell me I don’t do anything now, you six hot headed morons.
I may be lazy, but I know more than you think.
Feeling a little sleepy I see…
Well, if you wanna get out of here, you’ll need this little one.
Don’t worry, I won’t put up a fight or move around. It’s not my style.
If you can get close enough to take it, feel free.
Oh, you’re asleep already.
Well… you lasted longer than most. Just my luck, thought I’d finally made a friend.
Goodnight, feeble human, enjoy your eternal sleep.
© Naziyah Mahmood, 2014.