Birth of Insecurity

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The comfort of my insignificance was a home before my home with you; a safe-house,
I was queen to my own realm, unknown to others, but it mattered not, I was free.
You entered through my gate, a silver tongued whirlwind, and turned my home around,
My footing became loose as I realised that upon you I relied for my own reason to be.

I became that which I was not, hoping that your eyes would settle upon my efforts,
The decor, the embellishments, which all meant nothing, became my path to you.
Your every smile, an approval of my reflection, became my drive, and you my purpose,
I was finally something, anything, to someone – your lies became my war paint.

Unseen to my eyes, the jewels became shackles, which bound me to you; your slave,
The silken robes, adorned with crystals, were the bars to my cell in the prison called ‘You’.
My powdered face, a jesters mask, there to please you in hope that you stay,
Began to melt, ink stains bruising my flesh, when it all became nothing – I was no longer something.

Once I had thought that my drowning self-confidence, a result of years of self neglect,
Was the consequence of my failure to love me, and to see my reflection as true.
I was told I need a good heart and mind to feel worthy; but of what I do not know,
I would be the best me I could be, and yet it was never enough, not for you, not for me.

What I know now as sweet lies, your compliments, lifted me to a level beyond what I’d known,
The spotlight burned fierce, through your eyes, and melted me easily into your hands.
I see now – I am something, anything, to someone, to me; I am beyond worthy,
For it was you who planted the seeds of insecurity, I sowed; I liberate myself from your strings.

© Naziyah Mahmood, 2014.

(Image taken from http://kodih.deviantart.com)

(Also shared on http://poetreecreations.org/2014/06/11/birth-of-insecurity-promote-yourself/ )

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9 thoughts on “Birth of Insecurity

    • As one does.

      Everyone has their own reasons, their own raison d’etre.
      For me, it would be to call myself worthy of being God’s servant.
      For what? His mercy.

      Each to their own 🙂

  1. Go back to your beloved. You are losing.
    And, by the way, to whom you are pointing lives in hearts. What He says………? Yes
    Thank you.

  2. Sorry, I lost rhythm. I want to write, Go back to your beloved, if you are losing. I have read you quotes and due to a similarity, I must add and would like get some wisdom in return if you think appropriate.
    “We’d all like to believe that everything in this world is pure, unscathed, and wholly good”
    Not everything will say it. It is your perception. The remaining things are true in a way to accept challenge, thinking them right and justified. This might be the purpose of creation of this world. What do you say?
    You have to justify for hereafter.
    Have you ever related the above three things to realities? If this world is,
    Pure: Why you struggle for change?
    Unscathed: What is pain?
    Wholly good: What is evil?
    For Second part,
    “As it is in human nature to strive towards that which we think to be better and a source of happiness.”
    Better is what it really is. And source of happiness is your submission to it; to the creator. Your thought could be a wish but not a reality for this world.
    Understand “the warrior”, accept sword as a sword, and do not wish for an iron fan instead of sword. “This is optimism”.
    You do not want to have pain, and want to reach destination.
    Not learning anything from real life, and want others to tell you secrets of God; “What is His will?”
    For third part,
    “Additionally, I am known for my extremely stubborn nature! Put this together with being a ‘hopeful fool’, and you can see the recipe for disaster!”
    You have stubborn nature, and you are saying that you want to do something else? Forget it, if you are really good, and have done your maximum for it.

    Now face realities, others might not believe. But, God will accept you if you are right. Do no justify everyone. Just justify to the One. Others have to accept if you are right. You are both right and wrong from others side and not even know yourself? “Oh! cute little girl.” Improve it and know it.

    Do not demands realities from others. Tell them realities. If it is O.K., that’s it. If not, the door is not closed.
    “Do not become over confident on your qualities, and be worried about your weakness.”

    And, lastly,
    ” I see now – I am something, anything, to someone, to me; I am beyond worthy,
    For it was you who planted the seeds of insecurity, I sowed; I liberate myself from your strings.”
    It, certainly, is not your creator.

    Be calm. And show what really are you.
    Wait for your response.

    • I feel you have misinterpreted the meanings behind my words, but that is the beauty of art – as you said, ‘it’s your own perception’. One word to one person, can mean something completely different to another, often driven by their own experiences or perceptions. 🙂

      “Go back to your beloved, if you are losing.”
      Returning to my beloved would be to return to God, which is something I try to do everyday, every moment. Turning to Him before needing to ‘return’ to Him.

      “The remaining things are true in a way to accept challenge, thinking them right and justified. This might be the purpose of creation of this world.”
      Again, I’d think it once again comes down to personal perception.
      Personally, for me the challenges that create a template for life (a reason for creation of all things) are the trials He has put forth for us.
      To survive and live in a world where one can easily be side-tracked from working for the hereafter, is in itself a challenge.
      Keeping Him at the forefront of our reasons, our priorities – the challenge.
      He has created reminders of His Majestic Power, in the form of His beautiful creation, we just personally chose to see them or not.

      “Pure: Why you struggle for change?”
      I do believe that His creation is pure, however, how humans characterise or use it can be different.
      I struggle for change, the biggest change being within myself, in order to draw closer to Him.
      In everything, He is the ultimate goal for me =)

      “Unscathed: What is pain?”
      Pain is a reminder of the temporary nature of this life. It is a reminder of our blessings. It is an alarm clock to wake us up from a comatose state that can be reached through neglecting to truly ‘see’. We arrive unscathed, the purity of a child, but the steps to come later can begin to wound us.
      We just need to be able to shield ourselves, and heal ourselves, through seeking Him.

      “Wholly good: What is evil?”
      Just like “what is pain”, evil can be a reminder.
      ‘It can be difficult for one to seek light if one is unaware that they are walking in darkness’ – opening our eyes, our mind, a road to cure.
      Evil is our trial.

      “Better is what it really is. And source of happiness is your submission to it; to the creator. Your thought could be a wish but not a reality for this world.”
      What we ‘want’ isn’t always what we ‘need’, for only He knows what is best for us. But that is a part of our journey, to discover where that betterment lies for us – ultimately, it would once again require His presence in it.

      “Understand “the warrior”, accept sword as a sword, and do not wish for an iron fan instead of sword. “This is optimism”.
      It seems you are jumping posts here, but I’ll go along 🙂
      Understanding the ‘warrior’ is what leads me to try to expand my knowledge.
      As a weapons artist, the sword will always remain my main (physical) weapon of choice, however, being able to work in any environment, being flexible to whatever is it hand, and being able to feel a form of expression through any weapon is important to me too.
      Learning to use other weapons has not only made me appreciate the sword more, but also gives you an insight on how to improve yourself with it.
      In my opinion, that is “realism” =)
      Realistically being able to work with anything at hand.
      Whatever life throws our way, remaining ready and willing.

      “You do not want to have pain, and want to reach destination.
      Not learning anything from real life, and want others to tell you secrets of God; “What is His will?”
      Actually, learning through others is a large part of how I feel growth too.
      My poetry does not always reflect my own life, but of events around me too, it’s how I draw inspiration.
      As from not learning anything from real life… I’d like to think that I have learned something. By no means do I consider myself all-knowing or knowledgeable (those are His traits), I am only a humble student in life, but learning and growing as we go along is a part of this journey we’re all on =)

      “You have stubborn nature, and you are saying that you want to do something else? Forget it, if you are really good, and have done your maximum for it.”
      I was a bit lost where this came from, but realised it was from a different post too!
      Yes, I admit to being stubborn, which can be seen by some as a strength and others a weakness (maybe a mix of both too), but that implies that I ‘don’t want to do something else, contrary to your statement.
      It means that I wish to try as hard as I can at whatever I’m doing – but can continue to a point where it can even become disadvantageous (which is of course something I’m working to prevent happening!)

      “Just justify to the One. Others have to accept if you are right. You are both right and wrong from others side and not even know yourself?”
      Agreed, I don’t have to justify myself to anyone but Him.
      Trying to find out more about myself, seeing my own growth through different experiences, and trying to learn from them is a form of self-reflection.
      Whether people believe me to be wrong or right, is again down to their own opinion. However, I can only stand by what I believe to be correct in my own opinion too =)

      “Do not demands realities from others.”
      I don’t! However I do like to learn more about the world and how it works by listening to the opinions of others too, just as you have done by commenting here!

      “Do not become over confident on your qualities, and be worried about your weakness.”
      Over confidence, Pride, can become a poison to the soul. This is something I wish to avoid. We all contain, to some extent, some form of any poison that we can try to expel, but this goes back to the point about ‘challenges’. Trying to better oneself =)

      ” I see now – I am something, anything, to someone, to me; I am beyond worthy,
      For it was you who planted the seeds of insecurity, I sowed; I liberate myself from your strings.”
      It, certainly, is not your creator.”
      It certainly is not Him, for He is the one true liberation of the soul, not the oppressor.
      The poem basically sings on an message…
      The only one true eternal love, the only place of complete stability, the only undoubted and unshakeable love and peace… lies with Him.

      “Be calm. And show what really are you.”
      That’s a part of this journey, to learn who we really are.
      Does anyone truly know 100% who they really are!? Some may say yes, others no.
      I may think one thing one day, then ten years later it has changed.
      The only thing I can say with certainty… is that I am His undeserving servant. Undeserving, but always hoping for His mercy and grace.

      These have all been my own opinions regarding my own life, however I very much appreciate learning about other people’s views too.
      Thank you for sharing yours. 🙂

  3. Most important thing here is poison. Reality is not a poison, justify it to you Otherwise, it will not harm anyone but you.
    Pure, Unscathed and Wholly good are for hereafter. In this life, you get these because of Him.
    Happy to see you finding.
    Have a nice journey.

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