Breath

As I stood in front of the kitchen window, completely lost in a labyrinth of thoughts which spun and knotted like an Escher lithograph, my hazed eyes fell upon the thick green leaves of the tree outside and focused unknowingly on their movement as the breeze blew through them.
I was mesmerised.
The gentle sway and buoyant motion of each leaf, and of the tree top as a whole, softly stirred me awake from the worldly, crazed, speeding coma I’d been surviving through every day.
Surviving.

Somewhere, deep inside, I knew there was a desire to ‘live’ and not just survive.


That moment stripped me back to the bare essence of what I was – a part of the Earth. I was the leaves as they danced, I was the wind as it meandered around every curve of bark, I was the tree as it stood grounded against space and time.

For a moment so short, I was a human essence, a part of His wondrous creation, and every worldly worry spilled away from my being. “I’m here”.
I connected with the very breath that the Earth took in, and inhaled every breath it gave out.
This is what we are at our foundations, we are souls – boundless and timeless.

My phone vibrated on the table beside me and pulled me back into that worldly life, but did you know… sometimes it’s the short, simple but bounteous moments like those that help to reset our state of mind.
There is beauty in simplicity, and there is life.

I pray that all of your days be filled with such awakening and precious moments.

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Internal Supernova

We need more truth in the world – be it hurtful or affectionate, a painful truth is better than a beautiful lie. In the long run, it is more beneficial for all involved.
Words can have a powerful impact on others, however, without any actions or foundation to make those words binding, words can also be heart breaking.

 

To hear empty words can be more soul-shattering than never having heard them.

 

We live in a world of false ‘I love you’s, false gratitude’s, false comraderies and false promises.

 

Many people live in a state of constant silent pain due to being surrounded by people who claim to love them, and yet feel more lonely than they would have without those people around.

Many people pretend that everything is ok, and utter words of affection they truly, deep down, do not believe – however, deep down, they also know that the person they are saying this to knows… The ears can hear something, the mind can register it, the heart can even hope it to be true… but the soul (from where spouts that raw, pure instinct) can taste the bitterness of those empty words.
Yet, false smiles mean deeper heart ache for longer.

 

To be told a bitter, painful truth can cause soul-shattering pain for a while… but to live a lie is to live a torturous death every day. You lose who you truly are, and live in a constant state of insecurity, loneliness and darkness.

 

If the truth means to hold on tight, then hold on like it means your life, and if it means to let go and set one another free, then do so, so that both sides have a chance to find a place that they can truly feel loved, wanted and at ‘home’.

 

Also, we need to stop kidding ourselves. We do not hold on in empty, false relationships (of whatever kind) to avoid ‘hurting the other(s)’ involved… it’s done because we become cowards. We are afraid of change, we are afraid of a life where you don’t have even a false place to feel ‘there’, we’re scared of not feeling wanted (even if it is to be false), we are afraid of not being able to find that home.
But the truth of the matter is… you never had one to begin with.

 

I ask you all, dig deep within yourselves – touch those parts of your soul that burn your essence so that you may discover the truth – and ask yourself if it is true.
If you can honestly say with your heart and soul that it is, then tell them. To those whom you love that you love them.
Due to fights, arguments, distance, silence and more, people can become afraid to utter words of love or affection in fear of getting hurt – it’s a defence mechanism… but love is not supposed to be a war, my dears. If your walls are going up, then allow that love to bring them down.
Before it gets to that point where lack of affection causes the loss of all feeling, tell them.

If your soul tells you, an echo from deep inside, that it is not true… then tell them.
This may sound hurtful, horrible, even cruel, but what’s even more cruel is for someone to live on in a deception of being loved when they are not.
Allow your souls to speak now, so that decades are not wasted in a limbo of heartache and pain.

 

I have always been some to promote love and unity, but by saying the above it does not mean I am doing the opposite. If anything, exposing a truth allows for people to break those chains that were often hidden away or avoided, and set themselves free.

Love is such an easy word to throw around nowadays… but just because it’s used often, doesn’t mean that it should lose its true meaning.

 

There is no love without respect, without trust, and without honesty.

 

If you truly love someone, then tell them, and allow it to show through your words, your tone, your actions and your convictions.

 

Heart supernova.jpg

(Image from Space.com)

Leading Women of Scotland Award!

Today I was at the Scottish Parliament in Holyrood, Edinburgh, for the EQUATE Scotland 10 year anniversary celebration of “I am a STEMINIST!”.

It’s an honour to have been invited along, and to also be chosen as one of the ‘Leading Women of Scotland in STEM’ by EQUATE. (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics)
I was given a space in their fantastic book of Inspirational women – it’s always weird to see my face on paper!
They do such fantastic work in promoting gender equality in the STEM sector, and have helped many women up and down the country with their STEM careers!
Happy anniversary, EQUATE, and keep up the amazing work!!

naziyah-equate-award

The Guest

“You’re late.”

“Woke up late, sorry.”

 

I sat down on my seat and looked up to see her leaning back into hers. I could tell from her expression that I was in for a yelling.

 

“Woke up late? You didn’t sleep at all, did you?”

“Sort of…”

“Seriously, I’m so tired of seeing you like this. Every day you grow thinner and thinner, your eyes are so deeply sunken into your head, they’re swollen from crying, red from rubbing… even your hair looks like a birds nest.”

 

There it was. Every time we met I would be bombarded with her negative observations of me. For a moment my mind drifted away…

 

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Oh, yes, I am.”

 

She sighed.

 

“Look, you and I both know that I know you better than anyone else, so I only say this out of concern. You’ve become pathetic.
Life knocked you down again and again and again, but it only happens because you fail to learn. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. You never listen.
You’re constantly left broken hearted because you trust too deeply, and everyone finds a way to walk all over you – how can you not get annoyed at that?”

“I do. I do get annoyed. I’m just too tired now to bother feeling anymore. I’m sick of the pain, so cut me some slack and leave me alone, will you.”

 

Her eyes opened wider for a moment as she noticed my rebellion. I had definitely struck a chord with her. Good.

 

“I don’t even feel sorry for you anymore, you know that? Sometimes I feel like I’m all you’ve got though, that’s why I stick around.”

“I don’t need you to stick around if all you do is hate on me.”

“I’m just trying to get you to see what you’ve become, that’s all. The whole event left you feeling like you’ll never be good enough… for anything!!!”

 

I squirmed in my seat at the mention of ‘the’ event, but tried to keep myself composed.
It had indeed left me broken. Shattered. It wasn’t the first time either. I had become used to the sound of my own soul breaking, so much so that I sometimes prayed to become deaf to it.

 

“What am I going to do with you? No matter what you try to do, how pretty you try to make yourself look, how hard you study, how kind you try to be, how stupidly trusting you are, you’re always going to end up in the same mess. Want to know how I know that? Because I know you better than anyone else.”

 

Here she goes again, with the whole ‘I know you better’ rubbish. No, she doesn’t… does she?

She straightened up, as though trying to calm herself down before addressing the ‘problem’ in front of her. It made me move in my seat to straighten out my spine too. Ok, I was ready for the next bout.

 

“I’m only saying this for your own good, but maybe you should just leave this place. Think about it. Nothing seems to be working out for you. You have no one to really understand you, your career is practically non-existent because of your degrading health, no one realllly cares about you, you’re not getting any younger either, I won’t even mention relationships… why are you still even here?”

 

I had become robotic and numb over the last few years, all thanks to a rollercoaster of events and problems, but those words did cut me deeply. The worst part? I almost agreed with a lot of it too, until, that is, I mentally slapped myself back into reality and glared back at her.

 

“I know I’m not perfect, I know I don’t have much, I know I’m horribly scarred and I know things keep getting worse, but I have no choice but to get on with the show.
I don’t expect to wake up to a vivacious life, but even if I’m numb, I’ll keep going… because I do have some things to live for.”

 

The door creaked open and we both looked over to see Mum poking her head around the door. “Come down and have some lunch, love, it’s getting cold. Also, who were you talking to?” She looked at me with her usual concerned gaze before disappearing once again behind my bedroom door.

 

I looked back into the mirror and to the uninvited guest who never seemed to have anything better to do than to remind me of my ever growing flaws.

 

“I guess we’ll have to pick this up later as usual then! Don’t forget, I know you better than anyone else!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

With that, I slammed my hand against the cold reflective surface of my dressing table mirror, and then lifted a lipstick to draw a smiling face upon my reflection.

 

Uninvited guests are always the worst kind, no?

 

smile-on-grey

When the World Falls to Silence

Alone

When all the clouds have dissipated,
and the rivers have dried;
When all the mountains have crumbled,
and all the tears have been cried;
When the thunder has quietened,
and all the storms have been raged;
When all the animals are gone,
and the wars have been waged;
When all the flowers have wilted,
and the hearts have turned hard;
When all the trees have been cut,
and the Earth is left scarred;
When all kin become enemies,
and all friendships are torn;
When all the nations have fallen,
and there’s none left to mourn.
When the skies become darkened,
and the Sun fails to light;
When the lands become barren,
and there’s no life in sight;
When the last child has smiled,
and there’s no one left free;
When the World falls to silence,
Only then we will see;

That this culture of hate,
from the moment of birth;
It’s the deadliest of plagues,
to this gift you call Earth.

In this moment of reflection,
and this silent reverie;
I ask that you listen;
O’ Child, listen to me.

I am your mother, your father,
your being;
I am the template of life
you’ve been seeing.

I am the land that has
kept you sustained;
In your existence
I am deeply ingrained.

I am the breath,
that has lifted your lungs;
I am the song,
that nature has sung.

I am the sands
of your hourglass of fate;
So listen to me, now,
before it’s too late.

I am the soul of the Earth
that you know;
I am left wounded,
from the hate that you show.

There is still time,
to turns things around;
If you wish to survive,
on this one united ground.

Hasten, O’ Children,
with love, peace – just try;
We don’t have much time,
please don’t let me die.

I am the World…

Poem ©Naziyah Mahmood, 2016.
(Image source unknown)

Two Year WP Anniversary!!

Today marks two years since I first started this blog – Wow… As cliché as it sounds, time really does fly!

May 2014 was my introduction to blogging, something which certain life events inspired me to do. To have one place where I could collate my thoughts, my poetry, my stories and use as a base for expressive outlet just seemed like the correct way to go when life was being stretched in numerous directions.

My posts were initially longer, deeper and more frequent, but as life took over once again I found less time to share that penny-worth thought! Yet, still being able to write from time to time managed to feed that craving just enough to quench my writer’s ‘fix’!

I’d like to thank everyone who has joined me on this journey, whether it was for a moment or for a leap, for accompanying me on this quest for growth and progression.

I hope to be blogging more often than I have, though realistically speaking I guess my true hope is that whenever I may get a chance to post, that it be a post of quality, depth and resonance.

Here’s to many more years!!